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This Man's Incredible Journey of Self Discovery With His Hand Stuck Down His Pants

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So inspiring!

Philadelphia Cream Cheese Into a Manhattan

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Don't knock it till youse tried it.

Daniel, We Need More Pozole in Your Mom's Dildo!

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What's the matter, son, you deaf or something? Get your lazy ass down to La Villita, pronto!

Reindeer Starving in Arctic as Ice Piles on Top of Snow and YOU Complete Me

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Aww, that's the most romantic thing anyone's ever said to me.

Don't Give Up on the Brink of War Crimes

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- John Bolton

Dieting in the Road?

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No one will be watching us—why don't we diet in the road?

Boy, 8, Dies of Injuries From Christmas Pudding

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What a good boy was he.

Bread Delivery Man With Nothing to Lose

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Vin Diesel is BRINGING THE PAIN, now available on DVD and HD-DVD.

Mitch, Don't Eat the Rich

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I'm really not a fan of E-Rotic's new conservative direction.

Noodles With a Polarizing Wedge Shape

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They're DUMPLINGS, for fuck's sake!

Husband of a Church Service Dog in Window: Please Put Me Out of Here, B****!

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You really shouldn't be calling your wife that, even if she literally is one.

My Vagina Has Closed for Business to Make Gravy Like You Know the True God of War Crimes

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This one didn't quite stick the landing, but I'd say it still deserves an 8/10.

Elizabeth Warren Elevates Beef With French Baguette, Served on a Tie

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Enough with the wishy-washy double talk, Liz. We demand Medicare for All. Also, plates.

Horse Was Rescued After Car Plunges Into Pool

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Bojack?

This Is Not Happening

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I'm not here.

Cats Can Have Male Genitalia

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Wait, I thought all cats were girls and all dogs were boys???

The Dawn OF the Night Sky Glows Orange

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Where I'm from, people usually call it "dusk."

Mitt Romney Acts Like a Dog

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I was wondering why he tied himself to the top of his car.

Australian Police Find $210M Worth of Meth Hidden Inside Hermès

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Clearly, the winged sandals are strictly ornamental.

She's on Fire: Elizabeth Warren the “C” Word

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...combustible?

Aren’t You Glad That Ice Cream Cones

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Well? Aren't you???

Oh YEAH! Kool-Aid Man Is Pissed!!

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Actually it's just lemonade.

Duck Dad Is Elected

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UPDATE: We regret to inform you that Duck Dad is racist.

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Finally, a candidate we can all support!

I Went Blind. I Still Love the GameCube!

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Plausible because if you had the Game Boy Player, you could still play Soundvoyager.

Meth Making Big Comeback in America (Math Is Hard)

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meth > myth > math > moth

Every Kitten Needs to Clearly Name His Enemy: Capitalism

2,200-Year-Old Egyptian Temple Unearthed After 2,200 Years

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An incredible coincidence!

Analysis: Trump Is Going Places

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Interesting times we're living in.

A Raccoon Totally Looks Like a Goon

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Probably one of the PYF mods.

US Political Discourse Needs More Saturn Games Like "Panzer Dragoon"

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If I ever run for any sort of office, gonna make "BE ATTITUDE FOR GAINS" my campaign slogan.

Classic: Bulbasaur Is Finally Available at Grocery Stores

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Pound Bulbasaur cutlets until tender, bread and fry, top with tomato sauce and fresh grated parmesan, bake. Parmigiana that has the flavor of eggplant and the cruelty of veal!

Welcome to Medical School, Where We'll Teach You Everything Except How to Suck Your Own Dicks

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...shit. I knew I should've gone to law school.

California Finally Has a Tail

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Stay tuned as our live coverage of the breakup of Pangaea continues!

Trump Wants a Bigger Downfall

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The biggest downfall. A perfect downfall!

Testimony Begins in the Flesh

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Martin Gore lyrics created by smashing up real headlines!

Catholicism Made Me Pee My Pants

FORGIVEZ ME FATHR, 4 I HAS 2 PEE!

This Adorable Cargo Bike Is a Cult

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Yet it is not a cargo cult. One of life's little mysteries.

Hello Human Friend, I Do COCAAAAAINE

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HEY! Don't you do cocaine at ME, you son of a bitch!